happy birthday (soon)
...to me. I write this on the eve of my birthday. I'll be a year older, once again. Within an hour or so, I'll likely be at a bar with my friends, old and new. Midnight will strike and those who know me more will nudge at the time and tell me it's my birthday, and the news will trickle around the huddle of familiar faces. I might get drinks bought for me.
The past few birthdays have been eventful and tumultuous and sometimes peaceful. I've traveled for much of them. This is the first birthday where I don't feel a need to be "purple prose" about. In fact, I've felt less fluffy in my words lately. Since my last birthday, I've been more pragmatic in how I express myself--certainly less imaginative than I have been historically.
I felt I lost a spark in me that made me compelling, like I've woken from a long dream after fighting to keep it structurally sound enough to go on and on. I kind of feared I'd be seen as a fraud and my relationships would crumble, and then I'd have no one. I've spent too long trying to prove my worth by playing whichever role made sense to preserve that security. The biggest gift, though, has been letting that belief go.
I no longer feel I have to prove I'm interesting enough to keep around. Maybe I will feel different tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. But I'm certain that drive to prove I'm ___ enough for someone is done. It's boring to take myself too seriously. People come and go anyways, but in an effort to not resign into cynicism, I also relinquish the desire to perform to attract or repel. I think less of "what ifs" and more about what can blossom from the "now."
Heading out. Talk soon.