heated rivalry kind of ruined me
In my most vulnerable post to date, I am attempting to articulate this state I have been getting into on and off since… probably as long as I’ve been capable of from having anything from a crush to a relationship. My single gripe with this attempt, though, is less about the vulnerability and more that I don't particularly have someone to talk to about this.
However, in this effort, I hope it at least isn't a unique experience for me. A shared sorrow is a sorrow halved. If it is not, then sharing this sorrow would halve the sorrow for myself, making it smaller and smaller until it is no longer a pit in my throat.
(some spoilers ahead, of course)
So, I watched all of season 1 of "Heated Rivalry" in about two days. I'm over 24 hours post-season-finale right about now. I spent a cool hour-and-a-half debriefing with two friends who've seen the show. I echoed to the both of them, in separate DMs, within onslaughts of emojis and reaction gifs: "yeah i'm ruined for the next two weeks" (not surprisingly, they reacted in agreement)
Both friends remarked at least once on Ilya's climactic monologue professing his love--despite the language barrier, cultural nuances, and timezones--for Shane, to Shane. When Ilya remarks about his long-time lover, Svetlana, he clarifies:
"She loves me. And I love her. But not like... But not like I love you."
Fast forward to the season finale, and Ilya and Shane are talking about possibilities of a future together. One huge barrier, seemingly, is Ilya getting citizenship outside of his home country, Russia. Ilya suggests marrying Svetlana in order to get a U.S. passport. While Ilya was being practical, Shane didn't take it this way.
And, through a shaky yet determined conviction, Shane puts his foot down: no, don't do that; even in hypothetical situations, the thought of you being married with another, a woman at that, does not make me feel good, even for something like citizenship. Ilya, without hesitation, agrees, renouncing marriage with Svetlana as an option.
What moves me about this in particular is Shane's voiced insecurity. I see it as a thing with cis gay men, but I think can apply to trans people, no? Like, trans person who loves a cis man. Sure, you're the apple of a person's eye then and there. But, what if (these goddamn "what if's"...), it's more socially acceptable and expected of the cis man to be with a cis woman?
Or, if cis person (man or woman) is bisexual for example, they could just go for someone else cis because it's easier, less explanations involved over pronouns and perception?
Or, cis person, regardless of their sexuality, could go for cis person because being trans could be too much or not enough because cis person's sexuality is more contingent on someone's equipment below the belt more than anything?
I thought this feeling was strictly jealousy, but it's more of an encompassing soup of that, gender dysphoria and envy, and inadequacy. It is a special kind of Sisyphean turmoil to be bisexual (if I had to label my own sexual orientation) whilst trans and gender non-conforming--I'm not quite woman but not quite man but more masc than anything but not strictly such, a secret third or fourth thing that I feel transcends the languages I do speak, and maybe language altogether--because this gnaws at me at some point once I feel attraction to someone else.
In this sense, I don't give the other person a chance to decide how and why they're attracted to me, even if the other person professes their own feelings for me, to me. It's a defensive play I've grown accustomed to that becomes self-fulfilling at times. I prefer no contact when breaking things off with past romances because it absolutely will kill me to see them with someone else, because it'll just be etched into a pre-determined narrative that has the same conclusion: I was temporary, someone "that'll do" until they get who they really wanted--second best.
And of course, in vocalizing my grievances of inadequacy to a separate friend, he sternly put it: "I think you think too much of your relationships."
Maybe I do! (Yeah, I do. Friend's words got me out of my head and put me on the path to write this out. Thanks, Friend.)
To say, though, that this TV show ruined me is only half-true, and the true in the most lighthearted sense. It ruined these predilections I've held onto that were (are) holding me back from truly opening up to people who feel for me, especially past surface-level attraction and into, dare I say, love. I feel more inclined to shrug and say, "What are you gonna do..." à la Tony Soprano-style when I do feel any inkling of jealousy creep up as bile.
I'm reminded of writing about bending towards the sun nearly a year ago, something, in retrospect, that was a domino tipped in the direction of resolving this "sorrow." Call it cope or whatever, but I've been hearing Jeff and Elizabeth's "I know you say that there's no one for you, but here is one," more and more when I have doubts of someone being attracted to me, or, dare I utter once more, being in love with me, loving me.
Ilya and Shane are not real people, sure. But even in fiction, I like that Shane's objection was read loud and clear by Ilya, so much that his concerns were understood past initial territorial claims: this somewhat specific, somewhat universal anxiety that pokes at LGBTQ+ kin at one point in their lives. I really, really like that it is possible for someone like me to be seen and heard in the same way.