i started playing chess again
i love board games, but it doesn't show by the amount that i actually own (zero, to date). i had some growing up, and the etiquette just wasn't there to maintain them. you give a kid a candy land set, and the kid is going to inaugurate the pieces into their play pantheon. soon, pieces were substituted with loose change, or borrowed from other board games. and even sooner, you're playing chess with checkers and barbie shoes.
chess is a game of thinking ahead, but not in a hypervigilant way. you know what? i recommend this game to anyone who struggles with that. short term-stress, trauma, anything that makes you feel a big emotion. (fix anxiety with this one weird trick!) i say this because i've had a handful of stress recently, some anticipatory, some irrational, but chess is (now) another part of my self-regulating toolkit. i say this because it's not a game you can rush through like, yeah, checkers.
i tested this by running through a few matches with a bot, just moving piece and piece, advancing as many forward as i can with the simple strategy that is just removing all the opposing team's pieces, leaving just the king, all by any means--when, you know, chess doesn't work that way. i did about five matches back to back, speed emphases, and lost every time. i created many openings to get checked and some even instantaneously ended the game then and there.
and you know what, there's no wrong way to play chess, with bots, at least. i feel empowered to rush through a match when i'm feeling something big because the frustration of not winning catches up to me, and is brought to the forefront of my mind. it's similar to being a split hair away from ragequitting: your pulse feels like tv static and your jaw is clenched and you've realize been taking shallow breaths since the last loss, as if the win could be lured in if you're quiet. it's a reminder to take a deep breath, and a reminder that whatever was making my mind loud isn't so loud anymore.
i'm certain there are more efficient ways to go from 100 to 0, but what better way is there than poking at the frustrated bear? frustration is brought out into the light, and vanishes in a huff. after that, chess is fun again. i'm looking at moves more intently. i passed time without doomscrolling, something i am guilty of when agitated. i keep going with a bot until i find a stopping point to stretch my legs. i can always resume later. i'm not trying to be the best. i'm just trying to get through the day.
shoutout to chess.com and shoutout to one of my best friends for putting me on.