is reading the room a life skill?
Last week, a friend of mine cancelled plans, plans that we made weeks in advance. It was an art class, paid for by said Friend. The reason was that they "forgot" we made said plans, but wanted to meet up with a date in my place instead. This was texted over to me within less than a day's notice, the night before the class.
Their recourse was suggesting I could still go, alone or with someone else. Friend would be there with their date, and I'd be in orbit, somewhat. I could still say hi, maybe. It could still be fun for everyone, perchance.
I found this comical because Friend is very aware of a time where I vented about Someone Else cancelling on me a few years ago, coincidentally for a similar reason: over someone who was more attention-grabbing than me, I suppose. Both times, I'm a platonic or a lesser-priority party.
And, both times, through text, I'm extended a blasé peace offering shortly before they go AFK: Friend offering a sorta-kinda middle ground invitation I'd expect more from awkward corporate email correspondence; Someone Else shrugging to say, in a hasty placation, "oops I've been summoned, you know how it is haha."
Ultimately, I'm left in the dust over another person who's romantically and/or sexually appealing. I can't discern any other reason why someone would dip on scheduled plans in these cases. But, it is what it is.
I've since confronted said Friend (and Someone Else when that happened between us, respectively) on their mishap. They apologized, and I responded to their apology accordingly, so this is not a subpost. It's more of a reflection of the indomitable human capacity to make questionable choices and the reactions to confrontation.
I told both Friend and Someone Else that I was looking forward to spending time with them. The days were marked on my calendar. I didn't get to spend time with either much; life happens, or just shit happens, so time spent is all the more special. I felt slighted because I like spending time with people I like being around.
To my chagrin, I'm not owed time by virtue or association or just because it's me wanting to hang out. A friend of mine doesn't owe me their time. But, it goes both ways, reading the room, in the sense that I felt like our respective friendships and connections would mean something tacit and esteemed and resistant to such cancellations. I could've blown up and reacted in volatile fashion, but... I didn't, surprisingly. It was not cinematic. I said some vein of "I feel disrespected and you suck for that, actually" and left it at that, not expecting an apology.
I felt like Friend and Someone Else did owe me their time. Perhaps, I thought too much of others, and myself--this is something I've been mediating on recently, in my own relationships. Two things can be true! It wasn't cool that I got cancelled on so frivolously, but it's also not cool that I carried unfair expectations of others.
Trying to keep the peace with new plans and dropped plans doesn't always end well. Sometimes, there is no recourse or sugar-sweet resolution. Sometimes, it's not speaking for a bit. Sometimes, it's adjusting expectations. Sometimes, it's a clean break. But owning up to a choice shouldn't hinge on how the other person will react. I shouldn't have grand expectations, either, since people show early on what they're willing to give and make room for.
My reflections don't need a declaration like accountability in the same way (although, me publishing this is declarative in a way). I wasn't born knowing how to "read the room." I learned. I still am, I think. I don't think that ever stops.