late blooming is still blooming
after a series of accidentally closing out the tab before clicking "save as draft," a weariness tugs on my scalp as i try to remember what i had composed prior. i could reframe it as, "well, that was the first draft, and this one will be better." it's certainly a less self-flagellating track than lamenting over what was lost.
i will say, though, whenever i do open instagram, @poetryisnotaluxury's timing is always right. the algorithm is right twice a day. the top-most post was a poem by sharon olds:
I was a late bloomer.
But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky.
"late bloomer" is definitely what i was looking for when trying to scratch this itch of mine. i have been doing things relatively "late" compared to my peers. being in your thirties is feeling like you've matured and haven't at the same time. this feeling simmers throughout one's twenties, typically foaming over around age twenty-seven, twenty-eight. some version of observing your life's trajectory from the editing suite comes up. the path forward is less cloudy from thirty on. the ennui is less urgent, but persists as a dull, clinical hum.
the thing is, they don't tell you that you feel twenty-nine until you're thirty and that you don't feel thirty until you're about to turn thirty-two. i find myself picking at my skin as if it'll bring the world to a pause, as i did when i was a teenager. i just want it all to slow down, for a bit, for me. afterwards, i wear my feverish attempt under a hydrocolloid patch.
i am aware that there are other anxiolytic methods that don't involve prodding at the epidermis until you strike black and off-white gold. we can be regressive creatures in times of worry. i am, admittedly, and sometimes i get caught up in the moment.
time's suddenly this currency that needs to be spent in a marketplace of "i need to do this, but not before i do this, but i shouldn't do this, because i wouldn't be able to do this" until decision fatigue puts you to bed early. i cover my ears with pillows as if it'll make my head less loud at night. am i doing enough? i already am. i bloomed. it's easy to forget at times until it's time to water myself again.