i bought a pair of sweatpants on a whim and it put me back on track
this past month, i had been calendar-less. i knew what i was getting into ordering the calendar during the holiday peak. estimated delivery date was end of january. haha. something so quintessential to my daily routine--glancing at today's date first thing in the morning, crossing the day out before bed--was absent for the first month of 2026.
i typically keep a calendar, prominently displayed, in at least one room in my dwelling. i ordered a midori A4 calendar around christmas eve '25. i got it from a seller based in tokyo. businesses are closed around that time, usually for extended periods. order processing gets backed up, natch.
yes, i have a sense of time outside of a paper calendar, tenfold. i have my phone and laptop calendars, and the sun's habit of rising and setting, as a record of time. but it's the principle of it, you know. the beginning of each month is mapping out the month ahead, as well as the month trudges along, in pencil, stickers, post-its. so, for the time being, i've been going off of vibes in my day to day.
at the end of january, i went on an errand run. it wasn't planned, just spur of the moment. something in my soul really, really, really wanted to see if there was a ceramic dish i didn't think i needed until it was on a shelf in front of me. or even just a clothing item with an enticingly affordable price tag. just dawdling on a random saturday. by this time, i was more spontaneous than not. doing more than thinking. saying "yes" more. a pleasant change, after what felt like a series of stagnancies. so, why not go shopping? (ah yes, consumerism just to feel something. classic.)
well, it just so happened i saw a pair of grey sweatpants marked down to ~$9 USD after taxes. they had an interesting silhouette. the legs were rectangular at first glance, and upon further inspection, the fabric at the ankles were not cinched like you'd expect. the cuffs had the width of yoga pants with a generously large elastic circumference, ballooning enough to where a strong updraft would take me into the stratosphere. there was a smudge of a stain at the waistband, which is probably why it was marked down. the fabric had indentations, as if someone was stretching various points to inspect for further imperfections, only to pass, ultimately, due to appearances. it otherwise was a nice, lightweight pair. what the hell, sure. i'm sold. i buy the sweatpants (and a miffy-themed ceramic jar) and head home.
i prepped the stain on the sweatpants' with a pre-treater before washing. i included it in the weekly load of laundry, but i was eager for it to be all washed and dried for me to sleep in. i cooked dinner and gamed and journaled and the sweatpants were still swirling in the dryer fabric cyclone, the dryer irreverently telling me, "not done yet!" in morse code every time a metal aglet smacked against the drum.
before i knew it, the laundry was done. i exercised restraint by folding what needed to be folded and putting everything except the sweatpants away. it's peak january, and for my area, that means cold temperatures. laundry day was even more pertinent. i had already showered at this point and was wearing placeholder shorts, pacing to stay warm. all my long pants were drying, so i couldn't have work one of those in the shorts' stead. but why would i? i wanted to christen my legs with the new sweatpants. wearing another pair seemed sacrilegious.
the moment of truth. the outer fabric was freshly baked, courtesy of the dryer. i don't even prep to stick one leg at a time. i laid flat on my bed, pulling legs up to my chest to ready each foot in each pant leg. then, in one fell swoop, i steady my grip on the waistband and jut my legs outward at a 45-ish degree angle, doing a slight bounce up to pull the pants up with the momentum this allowed. i correct the waistband to sit where it's supposed to and sit up.
i immediately took notice of the inner fleece lining. it felt like i stuck my legs into a cloud. there was something magical about it. this was a softness you feel in a dream. only, the sun had gone down not too long beforehand, and i was not sleepy. something inadvertently shifted in my sense of being. i couldn't place it then, but something i held as fundamental changed.
just before the crack of february, my calendar arrived a few days early. i marked off the things i did end up doing in january, for posterity, before crossing off days that have passed. i did so in the grey sweatpants, coincidentally. it was weird to have "structure" again, but in actuality, i underestimated how much structure had limited me.
i often had a sense of ennui or dread when i saw the calendar first thing in the morning, even with "fun" plans on the horizon. the weight of "things to do" set the tone of the day. it felt like i didn't have time for things that mattered. and even when i did have "free time," i felt the shroud of the calendar work against me. i yearned for breathing room outside of the realm of this self-imposed restriction. i felt like i needed it, though, to err on the side of being "responsible," as to not waste days to bed rot or dilly dallying.
i mean... not waste days to who? that's when it clicked. i can have fun and have some form of "plan" in my days. who knew! it doesn't make me dull or frivolous. something doesn't need to always happen every day. it's okay if something does and doesn't. the obligatory "to-do"'s will be over before i know it. something something "the only way is through." i don't need to complete all of my "plans" in a day, either. they're spread out throughout the month anyways. also, i can always say no to plans after the fact if i'm not up for them after all (with enough notice, of course).
and so, i rearranged my room. i decluttered and picked up reading again. the sun seemed to shine a lot brighter through the overcast. i didn't wake up with superpowers or a cure for the incurable, but i started to be devastatingly honest with myself about restriction. i got all of this by taking a chance on an undesirable pair of sweatpants.