to my younger selves who were once small but not like they thought
i know the world seems so vast, improbable, looming, astonishing. thinking about it will make you feel just like the sugar ant trekking over the remnants of a firecracker popsicle on your forearm: small, vulnerable, and blissfully unaware. you might try to imprint your disconcertion onto the ant, so you don't feel as alone in this psychic rustling. you felt this in preschool, and you'll feel it again when prepubescence arrives as an uninvited guest.
as you become taller, you will meet people who will want to mould you, change you, make you believe that you don't belong to yourself. you'll get hurt in ways you couldn't have ever imagined. it'll seem unfair, a lot, to be a vessel for others' imprudence. you'll rationalize their words for them first, intellectualizing what you do know about them to understand why they are the way they are, instead of allowing yourself to feel hurt. in confusion, your hurt will have nowhere to roam, and ulcerate. you'll build walls around you because of this. it'll make sense to protect yourself for a while.
your ontology of smallness will be warped, and so will your sense of who you are. you were small, once, as a child. you will associate smallness with faulty capability. it'll feel like anything you do is the wrong way of doing things. you'll be accused of feigning helplessness for not knowing what you do not know. your way of handling things will be called strange. you're working off of the cards you were dealt, but not everyone will be patient, or sympathetic.
through frustration, you'll discern many versions of:
there's other people who are better than me in this or that way.
i can try, but there will always someone better.
why bother with me, then?
you'll wonder why you encounter a lot of people who think this way. sometimes, they'll tell you "you'll do," because they couldn't get the person that they actually wanted. it's as if you're a consolation prize. you never asked to be one, either.
there isn't a scarcity of friendship, affection, or love--and there never will be--but there will only ever be one you. the way in which you light up every room you walk into is not to be understated. your childlike wonder is an infectious gift, and that is part of your charm. you shine with an imbued intensity that invites, rather than insists. it's a different shine, yes, as it can come off as intimidating. despite that, the right people will be curious.
some will underestimate you, and that won't stop, but that doesn't mean you should do the same. anybody worth having around will not be upset at you speaking up for yourself. you're much, much stronger than you think. you always have been. even the ant is mighty enough to lift more than can be comprehended. it still tries, and you will, too. you'll stumble, but that does not necessitate penance after penance. your mistakes are opportunities to learn something new about yourself and how you see the world.
you deserve more than you were taught to believe. you're exactly where you need to be. don't be ashamed of who you are. you have always had the answers, even if the answer is "i don't know." you don't need to be perfect. you're doing your best. i'm proud of you.