visibility
i forget that international transgender day of visibility is on the same day every year, march 31st. really. you'd think i'd remember, given i've been "me" as i know myself for just about a decade this coming summer. i planned to write this out in a journal, and then transcribe in a way that's instagram-grid-friendly, all in a quick fervor after my shift that day, but then i thought, "no. this is better as a blog post, at a later date."
to save myself from not giving it the introspection it deserves, but still wanting to commemorate it for the time being, i vagueposted on tdov: a colorful photoset from various moments in march that eventually dip into cool hues of blue and pink, ending on a photo of the sunset, from my apartment balcony, that had a color scheme reminiscent of the trans flag, all with a one-worded caption ("visible").
those who know probably picked up on it, but maybe it wasn't picked up on at all. maybe, maybe not. nonetheless, the post was a means for me to remember to write about it all. what to write about, though? perhaps a post notating the trials and tribulations i've experienced thus far, and despite adversity adversity adversity, still i exist? la existencia es resistencia/existence is resistance? perhaps i could write something of the sort for my "tranniversary," in my own way of speaking, whenever it made sense to do so.
what i do know is i am grateful to have those who love and cherish me bear witness to my growth and self-actualization. i'm told i'm happier now, from those who've known me since i came out, or those who got to know me along the way. because, yes, my gender has been in flux for quite a while. i realized recently it was partly due to fears of being rejected, denied love and compassion simply for answering this call to truth, next to very natural propensities for self-preservation (i'm not out at work, for example, and don't plan to be since my place of work isn't exactly accepting, to put it lightly).
and yet, these people--some who've known me for nearly or a bit over a decade, and those who've known me for as little as a few months to a year--have seen me as i am before i even realized this myself. it's beautiful to be witnessed. i don't take that for granted at all. to be loved is to be seen, and i have been for longer than i could imagine. visibility is exciting and terrifying and has a curiosity to it, but i am visible on my own terms now. i can say that, at least.
and you know what? i've never picked a "tranniversary" for myself, either. i never really tried having a set date, just an idea of when i can recall "coming out." it didn't seem like something for me to do at the time since it would feel like stolen valor; often, "tranniversaries" are associated with the first day of hrt. i haven't had a consultation or anything of the sort for that. i had a lot of circumstances to work through since then, coming out, and it seemed like any time i had for medically transitioning was impeded by bureaucracy or job insecurity and pushed to the back burner once more. i am still very much trans, despite that.
i have one now, though. my "tranniversary" is 6 months after my birthday. my half-birthday, if you will. i decided on this a year or so ago but didn't enforce it, just casually chose a date and forgot about it until right about now (oops). the most info i will disclose is that it's in the summertime. i haven't had a summer full of wonder in a while. i know it's around the corner but i'll put a sticky note on my calendar: "10 year tranniversary, something fun?"