to concede, in spite of it all
the word "confluescent" came to mind when i opened up this new post. i thought i made up gibberish on the spot, but it's a real word. "confluescence,"1 rather is:
"a coming or flowing together, meeting, or gathering at one point"
"the stream or body formed by the junction of two or more streams; a combined flood"
i write this earnestly during my shift. my work laptop's "b" key got jammed, and now it won't stay on. i might've made it worse by trying to troubleshoot this on my own. who knows, really. this time spent fiddling will pass as me doing my due diligence in tasks, for all my company knows.
this blip came at the right time, as "right" as anything could be. i had a lapse in... i don't know what to call it--will? this is a pang i know well, that comes and goes. it's not gender dysphoria, because i don't feel a disconnect in that way. it's more of the disconnect a certain sect of people have with people like me. i'm not a danger to myself or others, or rather "some" perceive me as dangerous.
it seems like an all-time high these days, algorithm pushing news of the latest anti-trans hate, people i follow bravely existing in spite of that. when i first explored gender variance over a decade ago, it was echoed by elders that existing as we are is a beautiful thing, and, by extension, is political. relatively speaking, stonewall wasn't that long ago. and neither were the AIDS crisis, proposition 8, and bathroom bills. heavy on trans legislation in particular, this year seeing the most proposed and passed anti-trans bills in the US, well, ever, so far, and counting.
the pang i'm speaking of is one that isn't so isolated. i've thought of detransitioning, or just living as my assigned gender at birth. it would be easier, no? less complicated? just fulfill the role expected of me by many? i'm potentially "safer" in that regard, but it's a temporary solution to something bigger than self-preservation. i can play the role well, and have, but i'm trading off one branch of hate for another: transphobia to misogyny. feels like i'm shopping for violence these days.
so this isn't a unique experience! i meet others like me at one point or another, our babbling thoughts and anxieties and strengths serving as collective reminders that we are whole as we are and we should concede into joy, in spite of it all. i feel less alone, conceding. as i write this, the sun is setting. it's at the time of day where, if i'm sitting in a particular room, the sun's rays meet me at eye level, seeming to cover my sight, blindfolded, but i soon learn it's less of an obstruction, and more of a mirror of my own light.
i realize i did, in fact, make up a word. ha!↩