when did this whole thing start?
tw: brief mentions of homophobia and transphobic violence
depending on who you ask, or really how you personally gauge transness, i've either been trans my whole life, or trans since my egg1 phase in high school through my freshman year of college.
being trans isn't new to me, though. only recently have i come to terms of being trans masc2. maybe i have been all this time, maybe it's new. i couldn't tell you. what i could tell you is it was a long time coming, feeling more at home in myself, to where this part of me simply revealed itself. it felt like waking up just in time for the sunrise after a restful sleep.
for a while, i was nonbinary, and simply that. no other flair. i played around with terms under that umbrella. i can thank mid 2010s tumblr for that. i liked the ambiguity of they/them pronouns. i liked the fluidity of "masc" and "femme."
i came to see that i performed the femme side of me very well. that makes sense when you're raised with (cis) womanhood thrust upon you. i knew the mannerisms, the aesthetics, anything a woman is "supposed" to be. factor in the cultural nuance of mexican expectations of femininity, too.
it was easy to perform femininity on my own terms because i already had a plethora of resources to go off of. still, i was able to honor the part of me that wasn't so confined to the gender binary in this way. i liked the lack of binary constraints of being a they/them nonbinary. i could be this or that or a nice blend. it was cozy. too cozy.
i spent a lot of time "queering" femininity early on. i had my time being hard femme in makeup and stature. i softened my preferred look over time. i took more selfies during these femme moments, and posted them, being met with acclaim in the form of likes and engagement.
however, i avoided presenting as masc for a while. my early expressions were met with misguided homophobia at best (once, i passed enough to be read as a gay cis man), and transphobic violence at worst (i've had things thrown at me while walking down the street, for one). i abstained from being masc in public out of self-preservation, and in private soon after. it was safer to look feminine. leaving the house soon became a choice of, "what flavor of gender-based violence will it be today? misogyny or transphobia?"
eventually, i started to come back around, dressing more masc, reserving femme times for when i had the time (i spend an hour on average on makeup alone). it soon became apparent that in spaces, online and otherwise, people were more receptive to me presenting as femme over masc. the former was more favored whether people were conscious of it or not. i get it, prettiness is feminine-coded and i am still "seen"3 as a woman for all intents and purposes. very plausible, given that i even look like a gay woman when presenting as masc.
i get that "looking" more "transmasculine" has caveats that i am all too aware of. it just seems like some people would rather accept this part of me at face value, vapidly, without challenging their own preconceptions of gender variance. a trans masc guy can look like many things, but not everyone is open to that. so, i refrained from appearing feminine out of spite.
i came to see that withholding wasn't being very honest with myself. after all, the people that respect me won't de/value me based on how i look--they'll witness me as i am and accept all sides of me. simple as that.
what am i, then?
- long (serious) answer: i'm a gender-nonconforming trans masculine guy. i use he/they pronouns for now. i like makeup and midi skirts and ballerina nails as much as i like a denim jacket over a hoodie. i joke when people misgender me but don't get that twisted; either do the bare minimum when referring to me or leave me alone. gender expression is fun for me, and it should be for everyone, too. it's what you make of it. i've made it my own already.
- short (unserious) answer: i'm just a nonbinary dude, a femboy even.
for the unaware, "egg" is a term for someone who is trans but doesn't realize it yet.↩
for me, trans masc makes sense given my own innate gender non-conformity. not every trans masculine person feels this way. it means something different for everyone else it applies to. i can only speak for myself.↩
it comes down to access to trans-affirmative care, really. i don't have access at present, and in the current climate, i'll have to fight tooth and nail against a state that is actively trying to do away with people like me. call it whatever, not trying hard enough or i "must not want to bad enough." i do. i am choosing to lay low for now. however, i am aware that this has privileges in itself compared to "appearing trans."↩