writer's block
i spent much of the day drafting posts, switching between one and the other, zealous head buzzing away, until i had a sense of what i wanted to write (and hopefully publish) today. see, i'm doing this for the fun of it. i have no motivation other than because i want to post. writing is something i enjoy doing.
however, it hit me at dinner time, suddenly: a dull chill where there once was a bustling stream. entropy weighed my hands down, splayed in stillness on the keys. it felt like i forgot how to write. it's a diet version of the dread of the scary something lurking around the corner in a bad dream, only, instead of getting got, it's imposter syndrome rearing its familiar face.
i'm making this post instead of working on the ones i've started in spite of my ailment.
i still carry this advice from my 10th grade honors history teacher: write, even if you don't know what to say.
at the beginning of each class period, she would have us write for 10 minutes, or however long it takes to fill a college-ruled sheet of paper on average. sometimes she would have prompts, other times she would let us free write. these would be factored into a portion of our grade at the end of the grading cycle. her only requirement was that we fill a page at the minimum.
writing wasn't worth much towards our final grade, but since we were prepping for the AP exam at the end of the year, the remaining portion of coursework was rigorous. every grade point counted, and the writing exercise was the easiest part of that class. this wasn't just busy work, it was to get us used to and maintaining the momentum required for the writing portion of the AP exam.
she advised us that as long as we answer the questions asked on the exam, that's what mattered, but filling the pages also boosted your points. say you answered an essay question concisely, within a page or so, but you're left with more than a handful of blank pages. she'd remind us, "write whatever until you can't anymore [because you don't have any space leftover]." she said a past student of hers did just this, and wrote in the remaining pages something to the effect of, "i'm writing i'm writing i'm writing..." until they got to the end of the exam booklet. this student ended up getting the highest possible score (5 out of a scale of 1-5).
the point is not scoring high, though. that's not important. what stuck with me is encouraging writing even when you don't know how to say something. she said that writing "i don't know what to write" over and over until the page minimum was met counted as full credit. the effort was enough.
i recall getting frustrated some days with prompts, moreso on free write days. i'd get too wrapped up in how to say this and that, even if a prompt felt tailor-made for me to answer. i'd get stuck in loops and be flustered at my desk. i remember one day i did write out my frustrations, full stream of consciousness: "i don't know what to write and this is upsetting but i'm doing it anyways--" then, like a fever breaking, i knew what i wanted to write. and so i did.
writing can always be edited and revised. this, in tandem with my 10th grade teacher's advice, got me through writing-intensive courses in college. it's gotten me through workplace correspondence to this day. it's made connecting with my friends less stunted. my teacher has had such a profound impact on my communication with others and myself, i don't know if there are enough words out there to express gratitude. i'm sure i'm not the only one who's tried; she was universally liked.
anywho, i can say i feel less inhibited after typing this out. funny how that works!