writing... for whom
it's a good time as ever to make a tag for something too general to be categorized, and boy do i like categorizing if i can help it. the inaugural #musing post. very cool.
this is also my first post i'm writing by going off a voice memo i made to pin down this idea (so i don't forget) instead of doing what i usually do, which is start a new post with a few keywords, save as draft, and revisit until i publish. that system has left me with a lot of drafts that i might not even finish.
voice memo allows me to transcribe for the most part with some editing so it makes sense: stream of consciousness conversational flow that's readable. so far, so good.
i have found myself not writing recently because of this all-too-familiar pang (i suppose) of, "well, it's not like anyone is reading this anyways." which is funny, it goes against my initial prerogative of making this blog in the first place, like, "i'm just writing for me, i'm writing for me." but is posting, even into the void, not an attempt to be heard in some way? is it not like a innate desire to be heard, seen and heard, or even read?
it's a caveat i suppose of social media's insistence on brevity and urgency: you have a voice, you have a platform, but so does everybody else. and you see that some platforms get more eyes than the other, and it creates this sense of, "what if that was me? if not millions of people, hundreds, or even a handful?"
i think of people with patreons. a friend of mine, they do creative work that does involve that transaction of "i have content that i create but i also have this rapport with people that take the time to subscribe and give me feedback on and even participate in my stream of creativity." i know that's different, you know, because there's people like that with patreons, or people with substack that have a paid subscriber mode--i see some people i follow that do engage in that.
i'm not particularly talking about that myself as far as the paid mode; i'm talking about having a follower base and that's something you interact with as you create, and it has some kind of symbiosis with your output. so, i would say this is a very long way of me considering like, "oh maybe i should add a guestbook, or maybe a comment section or something of the sort to my blog."
i think this is all worth getting out there because i haven't been writing for my own very valid reasons, like i've been working. i do very much have a life outside of this little vessel that i've conjured, and not all thoughts are winners. sometimes they're just thoughts, and not all of them need to be broadcasted. sometimes they do, but maybe not in a blog sense. maybe some of the time, the thoughts i do have, maybe they're "journal thoughts," they're not thoughts i want to put here.
so this is where i'm at, and this is is an attempt to get out of that "ego driven"--i need to find another word for "momentum," but something like that, a "drive," perhaps? the drive of ego in reference to: "why am i creating, if not for somebody else to see?"